No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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