I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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