Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize
