His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
