I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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