Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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