I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
