i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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