i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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