I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
