Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
