my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I need to sanitize my soul.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
