Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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