ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
