Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
