Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
