There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
