just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
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So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
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Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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