Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
