i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
