The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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