Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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