she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
