I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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