wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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