he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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