just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
