it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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