i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
