i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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