I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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