Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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