sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
