I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
