bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The uberlube is also flammable
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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