I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
