I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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