My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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