Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Randomize
