I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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