You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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