Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
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There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
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So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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