Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
