Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
