Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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