hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
