You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
