Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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