Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
