We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
