Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
