Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
