Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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