Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
